Over the flu

The good news is that I am finally over the flu I think.  After spending all day Tues & Wed pretty much lying in bed or the living room chair, I finally spent today up and about.  I was able to get my Avastin treatment this afternoon.  I go back in on the 14th for them to check blood work prior to starting the next round of temodar.  The first round went fine after the first day and once I started taking the nausea medicine.  It did drag me down more though, and it was really hard to get out of bed in the mornings.  This morning we went for physical therapy to try and get help with my walking.  I'll go twice a week, once in the pool, once for normal therapy.  There is hope with some muscle training that will improve.  As I have started to get weaker in my right leg, then I'm favoring it more, which is contributing some to the problems.

I don't know how else to write other than to be totally open.  It's tempting to act like everything is great because then I know you'll all be happy.  I don't want to be overly pessimistic and discourage anyone.  I'll try to be as truthful as possible.  It's been a really hard last couple weeks.  It seems like every couple of days there is some new handicap.  The latest is difficulty swallowing.  Thankfully my tongue has improved a little bit and I'm hardly biting it anymore.  So the chewing is not the issue now.  Now the problem is that food gets stuck in my throat.  Eating has become very difficult.  We are trying to figure out what foods I can eat and this afternoon I was looking for a baby food grinder to see if that helps.

So I definitely feel like my body is on the decline.  I'm right at the cusp of needing to use a walker (I used it a bit today, but not all the time), we are working on putting in a stairlift at home, and now I'm eating soft foods like a 6 month old.  I've had some down times with it all, but I'm keeping my spirits up as much as I can.

And then there was the clincher tonight.  We are trying to encourage Lexi and Wesley to be in the homeschool spelling bee.  Leann got a movie from the library about a girl from the ghetto who goes to the national spelling bee and wins it.  I saw a picture she looked at a couple times that I was guessing was her father.  There was no Dad around to be seen.  At the very end it was confirmed that he was killed when she was 6 years old.  Needless to say, I cried a lot.  So afterwards we just spent a lot of time on the couch crying together.  And then Whitley brought untold joy to my heart.  We were talking about the soul going to heaven and being happy in heaven but sad to not be together on earth.  And then she said "Daddy will die, and then Lexi die, and Mommy die, and Whitley die, and Lainey die, and he die (speaking of Wesley), and then we all be together in heaven and Daddy be happy"  She's 3.  This has to be the most amazing thing she has said to me.  And obviously the kids don't understand, and I'm not sure we do entirely either.  But's it's amazing at what young age they can know about heaven and hell.

Please don't be discouraged or give up praying.  We still appreciate it so much and it gives us the strength to make it through when times are hard.

Derek & Leann

What I'm Learning from Cancer #11
It’s about the simple things.  Last January, as I lay in the hospital bed contemplating the doctors’ prognosis, I was brought back to thinking about simple things.  How much love had I shown my wife?  Had I spent enough time with my kids?  Had I talked to the unbeliever about his soul?  I did not worry about what the explanation was of some tough theological question.  Some theology matters, but I came to the conclusion 95% of our discussion of theology could be skipped and we could spend that time just putting into action the simple-to-understand commandments of Jesus about loving God first and then loving our neighbor as our-self.  Jesus was questioned by a lawyer trying to trip him up.  Matthew 22:36-39  “Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Sickness

Last night, Derek came down with a fever and vomited once.  We assume it is whatever has been going around.  So we had to cancel Avastin treatment this morning and the physical and speech therapy appointments we were going to have this afternoon.  Please pray he can recover.  He is resting comfortably.

Temodar

Well, I finally got the temodar today and took the first dose at lunch.  Within a few hours I started feeling a tad sick and threw up by 4:30.  A couple fortunate things.  One, I was working from home this afternoon and that's a better place to be sick.  Second, I had some of my anti-nausea medicine around from when I took radiation so I took one of those and am feeling better.  Tomorrow I'll try the anti-nausea an hour before the chemo and that is supposed to help.

We also went this morning to a chiropractor to evaluate my walking/lower back.  He said my best bet is more of a physical therapy approach that might be able to improve my gait.  So later next week I have a referral for that.

For prayer requests, right now if feels like we have so many needs.  That I not get too sick, that the temodar works and my chewing and swallowing improves, and mostly that I can keep an upbeat attitude.

I was reminded again this week as I sat getting my chemo on Monday that I wouldn't trade places with anyone.  A couple older ladies there who had been fighting cancer for years, telling me some of their life experiences.  Lets just suffice it to say that I'm thankful for the parents God gave me.

Thanks again for all your prayers,
Derek & Leann

Christmas Picture

I'll start with the easy part.  In past years we've often sent out a Christmas card or picture and some details of what's been happening.  We figured this year that there's too much to report from the year, and most of you have been following it anyway, so we don't need a letter.  We decided to post a picture on the blog of our family that we just took Sunday.  Hopefully that will suffice for everyone.  I'm sure a few won't see it, but if we were to send out cards, it would take many hundreds of them to reach everyone we know and the many new friends we made this year.

On the health front, I'm still waiting to get in with the local doctor and get started on the Temodar.  I call every day to see if they've received the info, etc.  You know how local medicine goes, it's not the same as Mayo.

I wanted to share with everyone what a blessing it was on Sunday to spend time in church.  The last couple weeks has been hard.  I feel myself wear out more quickly, and I'm less able to do things around the house for Leann.  It's hard on me, I'm used to working hard and getting a lot done.  Once again I realized (for the umpteenth time) that I was focusing on the future instead of the day at hand.  I was violating Christ's instruction "don't worry".  As I talked with others Sunday, I was open and just shared what I had been feeling, and I just felt a lot of encouragement from others.  The minister mentioned being in a meeting with someone using crutches who had a small cross on his belt.  He asked the man why he wore the cross and was told it was to remind him that he needed God more than the crutches, and he should give thanks for God  giving him cancer.  This just really touched me.  I'm still walking without a walker or cane but I'll have to admit I've thought about getting one a time or two.  I could just identify with this man.  And I realized, yes, I do have much to be thankful for.  I can sit and lay down without pain.  I can sleep through the night.  I can still be with my family and go to work.  So even though it's slow eating and slow walking, I still have lots to be thankful for

Thanks to everyone for the prayers we have felt in the last week.  It is really appreciated and has given us much strength.

Derek & Leann

What I'm Learning from Cancer #10
Share – be willing to open up.  This might find you disagreeing with me, as this one seems to be culturally difficult for many around us.  But, I think there are a couple reasons why we have felt so much support and so many prayers for so long.  First, I am young, I have a young family, so I understand others will worry about us more than they would an older person in need.  The second reason I feel is that we have been very open about what we are going through both medically, as well as spiritually and emotionally.  Because of this, others know what to pray for very specifically.  It is more difficult to pray for someone when you know very little of what to pray for.  So I think because we shared on our blog what was happening, we received more prayers.  The other reason I say to be open is that when I look back at my life, how I responded to Leann or the kids at different times, I wish I had close friends that I could have asked for detailed advice.  We had rough spots in our marriage that could have been easier if I had been more humble, willing to share a few details, and ask for some help.  James 5:16  Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.  The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  We’ve been open with the world.  How many people you are open with will depend upon the situation at hand. Some problems are harder to share, and maybe not appropriate to share.  But at least be really open with a few people who will be able to help you.  And in general, be open with more people than you are today.  I think we are too private of a people in general.

Mayo results

First of all, thanks for your prayers this week, we could really feel them.  It was quite a process getting ready to leave as Wesley was throwing up tues night, and Whitley was throwing up we morning, and Lexi threw up at M&D Stollers after we left.  I feel a little funny today myself but thankfully made it through the scans without issue.

The scans look good.  The tumors are either stable or slightly shrinking from the last scans.  The unexplainable thing is the symptoms I am having.  In the lumbar area of the scan, Dr Hammack sees a very faint shadow on the nerve roots.  She's wondering if this could be causing the walking problem.

The last week I'm having symptoms in my tongue as well, it's harder to chew and I've bit my tongue every now and then.  She doesn't see anything on the scans that would suggest this.  She is wondering if there is microscopic disease that she can't see on the scan.

She is suggesting that I start on a second drug in addition to the Avastin.  Temodar is the name of it, and it is an oral pill.  Supposedly it is low in side effects.  We haven't talked about it specifically yet but I assume we will do that.

Interestingly, a couple weeks ago when we scheduled this appt, I had a dream that we were meeting with a group of doctors and they recommended that I start on Temodar.  I don't have many dreams so it must not have been a coincidence.

We could tell that dr Hammack is really surprised by how well I am doing.  She again called it a miracle.  Thanks to all of you for your prayers, theres nothing else to attribute it to.

So while it's definitely not the best news we could have hoped for, it was better than we expected and we are thankful for that.

Derek & Leann

Wild Honey

I thought of this title last week when I was going to post, so sorry it's a bit later than I wanted.  On the family front, the excitement of last week was the Thanksgiving holiday.  We had Wed-Fri off work, so on Wed we did a Sauder family wood cutting/splitting day at the timber.  One of the trees we dropped last winter had a hive of honey bees in it this summer, so we left it alone then.  I decided to cut into it as only a few bees were flying.  Of course the furthest one away from the action got stung (Leann), but it was really fun for the kids.  We just got into the very end of it but you could scoop out honeycomb, and then chew it and spit out the wax.  The taste was really good, and of course the kids were going wild on the pure sugar.

On the health front, I continue to be plagued by poor balance when walking.  Some days are up, some down, but on the whole I have had a harder time keeping my spirits up.  It's hard to be as cheerful when you feel your body declining.  But overall I'm still really thankful that I can still enjoy being with my family.  And when I'm sitting or sleeping I have next to no pain or discomfort.  Looking back to last spring, I didn't know if I'd even be here, let alone going to work and cutting wood.  Next Wed/Thurs we are going to Mayo.  Wed afternoon is a couple scans, a couple more Thurs morning, then meet with the oncologist on Thurs afternoon and hopefully come home that evening.

As for prayer requests, I'll ask for the obvious that my walking will get better again.  But if it's not God's will to heal me, then pray that I can keep the right attitude.  And please be prayerful that we have wisdom next week if there's any decisions to make when we are at Mayo.

Thanks so much for your prayers & support.  I continue to be amazed at how many are praying for us, often daily.
Derek & Leann

What I'm Learning from Cancer #9

1.      There is Power in prayer – I have always known that prayer made a difference, but it was a blind faith.  Now I know for a fact, and am convinced of it.  I have felt so many times where I could just feel that Leann and I and our family were being carried along by prayer.  I have come to learn as well that it helps when others tell you they are praying for you.  As I knew so many were praying for me, any time I was tempted to be discouraged, I knew that I would be letting those people down as well if I did not have faith.  It’s like a sort of accountability.  If someone says they are praying for you, and then you remain discouraged, it’s like saying you don’t have faith in God’s power.  Let me encourage you in something here.  If you are praying for someone regularly, it will help them if you tell them that.  It will bind you together as brothers or sisters in the Lord.  It will encourage them and keep them going.  Don’t brag all about that you have a huge prayer list, or who all it includes.  But to that person you are praying for, be open.  They will then share more specifically what they need prayer for, and it makes it easier for you to continue praying.  The rest of you have probably been on the right track for years, but this is definitely something I see now as a major omission of mine in the first 18 years of my Christian walk.

November update

Time continues to fly by.  I've been relatively busy at work with a couple day trips each week so it feels like I'm spending less time with the kids on their school.  The last week or two I've noticed my balance getting worse.  When I'm in a crowd, I feel less stable and like I'm going to bump into someone.  Walking takes more effort and I feel myself thinking about it.  We're not really sure what to attribute this to.  It could be tumor growth around my brain, or it could just be a long term effect of the whole brain radiation.  I haven't been in much pain, and even have pretty much stopped taking ibuprofen or tylenol, so I'm thankful for that.  I've been fighting congestion/sore throat/etc. so I have felt wiped out the last few days and spent more time taking naps or resting on the couch.

As for prayer requests, just pray that my sense of balance can improve.  It has slowed me down enough that honestly it's easy to be discouraged at times.

I just finished making a list of all the teachings of Jesus, and #1 by a factor of 2:1 is "fear not"  The thing Jesus taught the most was not to worry about the future.  He must have said this so many times because he knew that would be my nature.

Thanks for all your prayers and support,
Derek & Leann

What I'm Learning From Cancer #8

1.       Communion with God - Trials and hardship give us more desire to read the word & communicate with God. At times of ease we can lose that desire pretty easily.  I don’t know that I necessarily read the word a lot more, but I spent many hours lying in my hospital bed and on nights when I couldn’t sleep just talking with God.  Praying for others.  Praying about how I should live in the future.  If you feel like you are just floating or drifting through life, I encourage you to pray for enough hardship that you will be drawn closer to God.  You don't have to pray for cancer like mine, but pray that God will give you something tough enough to draw you close, but something that is still bearable (and He has promised that it will be).  I am reminded daily of my weakness.  Hardly an hour goes by where I don't think of the cancer.  It's not all bad to have that reminder of how weak we truly are and how much we need God.