Friday, April 6, 2012

First week home

We've already been back a week!  It's been an adjustment, maybe more for me than for Leann and the kids.  Overall it's gone pretty good.  I went in to work 3 afternoons, and that went pretty well for me.  Didn't really wear me out or anything.  We did school in the mornings.  Some mornings go better than others, but I've enjoyed the chance to be with the kids more.  My birthday (38) was Wednesday so Leann invited a couple families over for supper and we had a really nice evening.  In general I'm feeling pretty good, headaches have been non-existent lately.  I do have some pain in my back at times.  It's not constant, and it's not sharp.  I just sometimes get dull pain and sort of a tired feeling in my back and neck.

Yesterday was the hardest day for me.  After I got home from work Leann was helping me clean out and organize the tool room in the basement.  The combination of pitching some stuff, and thinking about how much work to put into making this room nice was hard on me.  On one hand I could totally get rid of everything thinking I don't have much time to live so I'll never need it again.  Or I could make plans to use my tools for the next 15 years, in which case I would do things differently.  Add to this that at work we've been discussing what my role is and how we organize the group as we plan that I am not there forever.  I don't know why, but all of this just really affected me yesterday, was really hard on me, and made me cry quite a bit.  I think what I realized is that even though we know we might not live to see tomorrow, and God can take us home at any time, in reality we all live as though we are going to be here for many more years.

So I think this will be the hardest part for me of being back home, and the biggest struggle I have for this next phase of life.  How to have the right perspective.  As an engineer, I'm trained to think logically.  So I think about my medical situation, and it seems like I should plan for the likely future.  And at work we can plan for me to not be there.  But at home, they can't replace me, so there's no sense in living like I'm not going to be there in the future.

Romans 14:8 For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.

Philippians 1:21-23 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.  For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

James 4:15 For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.

So this morning I'm reading the above verses, trying to decide how these apply to my life, and what attitude and outlook I should have.  I'm not discouraged, just trying to sort things out.

Thanks again for your prayers & love that you have all shown to us,
Derek & Leann


  1. We are praying for your family !!!

  2. Derek, As I read your blog, I realize how shallow we are so many times - and how often we forget to tell people how important they are to us. It's the love of Christ that binds us together with a strong bond, which of course then is also the reason it's so hard to let go... (a good engineer would understand this analysis - cause and effect) - Of course the love we feel for you goes far beyond formulas, algorythms, and strategy sessions. Please have a most blessed Easter!

  3. Derek, I've had you on your mind this week, especially when reading about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemanae. "If it be possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done". We appreciate you sharing your heart. We pray that God will comfort and keep you as you trust an unknown future to a known God.